When I grow up (I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star.... No? Alright.)

Ever since I was born, it has felt like people have  been asking, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" or "What are you going to do with your life?" or "What's next?" or "What are you doing after high school?" The variety of questions all similar that adults ask people younger than them to try to feel connected and then open up their own can on opinion and pour it all over your dreams. 

I've answered in various ways:

• A Cowgirl (I was in preschool-lay off)
• A Mom  (My number 1 choice) 
• A Teacher
• A Beautician 
• A Graphic Designer 
• A Dental Assistant (Currently pursuing)
• An Entrepreneur & own my own business (Pursing in my free time)

Lately, I've come to realize it doesn't matter what I do career wise, but more the kind of person I become, 

When I grow up I want to be:

• Kind. I never want people to feel hurt by me or the words I say or how I act. 
• Friendly & Outgoing. I want people to feel comfortable  around me and especially I want them to feel important when they are in my presence. 
• Someone who serves. I want to put others before myself and be willing to go out of my way to help people. I want to be able to see the needs of others and be there to lend a helping hand whenever possible. If it be convenient or not. I know that service brings you the biggest sense of accomplishment and happiness. I always feel happier when I am serving others. 
• I want to be mentally and emotionally strong. I want to be able to be strong for others as well as for myself. The world can be cruel sometimes and so can life and when life hits me to the ground I want to feel like I am able to overcome any and all obstacles. 
• Respected. I want to respect others and have the same respect I have given be returned to me. 
• A Leader. I want to be able to use my talent as a leader for good and as often as I can. 
• Organized. The more organized you are the more prepared you are for the curveballs of life. When you are organized you can fell relaxed and others are drawn to you more. 
• Happy. I want to feel so content in all areas of my life. I want to feel content in my family life, my spiritual life, my career, my home, my hobbies and my accomplishments. There is no better feeling than pure joy and contentment. I also want to have no regrets. All the trials turn into lessons and strength and I am ready- no matter the difficulty. 
• Confident. I want to exude confidence, but not in a cocky way. I want to be happy with myself. I want to be happy with the way I look and my flaws and my other qualities that make me, well me! I want to have high self esteem and self confidence. 
• Spiritual. I want to gather all the knowledge of this perfect gospel that I can in my time here on earth. I want to be knowledgeable on the scriptures, the commandments, and other sacred things this gospel has to offer. (If you are confused and not sure what I am talking about check out This! )
• Obedient. I want to be obedient to all the rules and laws of the land, the gospel and such.
• An Example. I want people to learn from my example and I want people to be like me when they "grow up". 

I am sure there are millions of more things I would like to be when I grow up. These are just a few of the ones closest to my heart. It doesn't matter what I become- it matters more who I become. 

Old Yeller (lol pun central)

Okay. So. I never thought I was going to be a yeller, but as it turns out... I am a yeller! Who would of thought! When I was younger ( and still to this day) I hate(d) when people (would) yell. It seriously gives me anxiety and it really hurts my ears because I have tiny baby sensitive ears.

Anyway, I didn't think I would turn out to be someone who causes a ruckus. Although, in the last couple of years, I've noticed that when things don't go my way (I'm kind of a control freak and I hate when things don't go exactly how I plan... even though that's life) or something annoys me I just freak out all dramatic & teenager like and complain loudly about how everything sucks and blah blah blah you know the drill. I'm basically the real life version of any teenage girl  movie character. Yuck!

As I've realized.. I've become sort of a hypocrite. I hate hate hate hate hate HATE when other people yell (or even talk loudly for that matter) yet, I find myself doing it constantly. Especially when I am upset in any sort of way.

Why is it that we always promise ourselves that we'll never do a certain thing, and then when we find ourselves doing that thing we are mortified?  Why do we set ourselves up for that kind of failure?  It is human nature to say one thing and do another but why? Because if you're around that behavior (i.e. Yelling) you usually tend to adopt it into your own daily life. Which is what has caused me to incorporate yelling and sometimes being a jerk to people who don't deserve it, into my life. I really never wanted to turn into this person.

So basically I wrote this whole thing to tell you ( yes you.) that I am horribly ashamed of myself for turning into a yeller which I swore on my life that I never would be.

Faafing. It's not for the weak.

I really had this fantastic topic to blog about... But every time I attempted (okay, only twice) it came out wrong. Soooooo I guess I'll scratch that and maybe I'll try again later! 

Anyway if you've seen my Twitter that I share with my sister (@gsquaredsisters) or my snapchat story, you know that tonight we "faaffed".

Basically it's this thing that my dad came up with and he thinks it is genius. Faaf stands for fitness as a family. He is obsessed with just saying the word faaf. He also made faaf into a verb and always says "We're going faaffing" or "Just faaffed". 

At first I thought it was pretty dumb, but the more you say it the funnier it gets! Allyson and I make it our goal to make fun of faafing as much as humanly possible. That's what we did the entire whole time on our walk around the block. 

Anyways, Thanks dad, for creating such an entertaining thing to my life! 

Practice makes perfect!

So lately I have been trying to be more active and live an overall healthier lifestyle. I go on family walks and hikes and I occasionally go to the gym but that is about it. I also have been trying to read my scriptures every day. I already read pretty regularly, but I am in no way perfect. *If you would like to know more about my beliefs as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints or have questions about the scriptures check out lds.org {or here's a direct link to Scripture Information}*
I figured there must be a way to combine these two things in a way to help me remember and achieve both goals in one step. To help motivate myself I scoured pinterest for ways to form habits the fastest and easiest with a busy schedule (since I work 40 hours a week and I have my own small business on the side, and I have a social life, and other things that need to be taken care of).
The article that was the most helpful talked about how it takes 21 days to form a habit. I really liked how relatively short 21 days can be and it seems like a good achievable goal unlike other lengthy goals that I had read about.
My biggest problem with starting a new goal is I miss a day and then it all goes down hill from there and I never get back on the bike and keep trucking. To help avoid any forgetful or laziness mishap, I made a visual to help me.

This little idea that I got off of pinterest is, as you can see on the frame to my door. Where I will see it frequently and it can constantly remind me to be active and read out of my scriptures. 

I am hoping to go through these next 21 days and then continue out of habit for the rest of my life. 

(I definitely am not even a tiny bit close to perfect, so that probably won't happen... but if this turns into the habit that I want it to, it will naturally continue.)

So we'll see where this next 21 day leads me to and I will update you as time goes on! 

Enjoy the rest of this beautiful Sunday! xo

"We've only been camping 2 minutes and I've already seen 3 earwigs" -Allyson

(she is terrified of earwigs)
Basically last Monday I moved out. It may have only been to the tent in my backyard, but it still counts right??
I decided since it is summer and I graduated highschool I wanted to move out... but I am really poor and My mom told me if I live at home she'll pay for me to go to school sooooo really living at home is the best choice.
But, as of lately my family has been on my nerves and I needed some space so I marched out to the garage drug the tent out of the clutter and called Tanner to set it up for me.
Tent living has seriously been the best idea Allyson and I (Okay, so I didn't "move out" by myself Allyson has been here the whole time with me) have ever had. 

Reasons to support last bold statement:

• Not only have I been able to sleep better, but I've been able to wake up well rested and with more energy. 
• It's been nice to be outside more and it has been 50x more relaxing.
• Cots are surprisingly comf.
• I've gotten the space that I desperately needed so I didn't murder my whole entire family in psychotic break/mass murder and go to prison for the rest of my life. 
• I get to do whatever I want in my new house.
• My new house is always clean and tidy and perfect.
• Sister bonding time
• Tons of laughs with my sister and we stay up til the wee hours of the morning chatting about life which is the best. (basically this and the last bullet are the same-who cares, my blog I do what I want).
• I didn't really move out so I don't have bills to pay or have to have freaky roommates.
• My mom can still cook dinner for me.
• I still don't have to fully be an adult with adult problems and 5 million bills to pay- but I do have more freedom. 
• Practice for when I really do live away from home, I will be more used to sleeping in a house alone.

Pretty much this has been such a great experience (thus far) that I plan to just live in the tent in my backyard for the duration of the summer. So if you need me, that's where I will be. 

Hobbies... Jobbies... Lobbies...

What in the world even is a hobby? What is a normal hobby? Why is everyone obsessed with finding a hobby? To me, I have a lot of baby hobbies that I bounce between.
I like to blog. I like to doodle and make little designs. I like to organize. I like being outside. I have just started to like going on short baby runs. I like to read. I like to go on bike rides. I like to watercolor (even though I'm not the greatest). I like to shop. I like to workout when I am stressed.
I like a lot of things. I don't just have one prominent hobby. That's why I think I have such a hard time telling people my hobby and what I do for fun. I do tons of different things in all different situations.
That's why I am trying to break away from the shame I sometimes  feel I tell someone I don't really have a hobby. I am me, and if that's not good enough for people, they don't have to talk to me!
So from now on, I am proud to have many baby hobbies and I am not going to let anyone make me feel bad for not settling down on one major hobby.

Mind games

There is something wrong with me. 

Not anything any amount of medicine or a doctor can fix. 

It's a mind thing,

I get caught up on thoughts. 

They swarm around my head. 

They pound against the walls of my skull. 

Leaving my head pounding and bruised inside. 

When this happens I can't shut it off, 

I can't stop my thoughts from tormenting me. 

Almost simultaneously as I receive a beating from my thoughts, 

My body goes into a panic. 

My heart rate spikes,

As my heart shoves against my chest. 

My body shakes. 

It feels like there is a 50 pound Boulder on my chest,

I can't breathe. 

I can't think clearly.

My body is filled to the brim with thoughts and emotions. 

It scares me more than anything. 

And then,

When what feels like hours have passed, it's all over. 

It can stop as quickly as it starts.

That's the real scary thing-

I never know when it's going to hit. 

Dreams are so trippy

I feel like lately especially (with my stress levels being through the roof) my dreams have become exponentially weirder. They are becoming so much more vivid than they were before which makes me tripped out because I can no longer distinguish between dream life and real life. This is a problem because now if something annoys me in my dream, or I get mad, or any distinct emotion, it carries over int real life. The following day all I can think about is how annoyed I am at that person or how annoying the situation was. It is really interfering with my actual life.

Just thought you wanted to know

Help me? Please!

Oooooohhhhkay. I'm not even sure if I still have followers?? Is there anybody out there? Well we'll just have to give it a shot! 

Soooo for my senior project for my college writing class was to create a business! 

I chose to create a home organizing business! I'm super excited and finally to the point where I am look for customers! If you (or anyone you know) need some help organizing your house please check out my website

www.straightenupco.weebly.com 

It has all my pricing and my contact info! Since my business is just taking off I am willing to negotiate pricing! If you don't see what you want done on the list, feel free to still contact me! I'm willing to attack any project you can throw at me! 

Nostalgia: in every sense of the word

Sometimes I get so caught up in life, that I forget what it was like before, before I high school, before I could drive, before I had a boyfriend. I forget endless nights hanging with your best friend(s) usually doing nothing and laughing uncontrollably. I got to relive that tonight and it was wonderful.
An old friend (am I allowed to use that term? I'm barely 18... You know I can actually do whatever I want since this is my blog) came over tonight and we played catchphrase for 2 hours straight and just laughed and laughed. That was the most laughing I have done in a while & I can (and I do) literally laugh at anything in the whole world so that's saying something! We talked about things ranging from the production of almond milk to retirement home abuse and every other thing you could ever imagine in between. It was a good night and I am sad that this chapter of my life is soon coming to a close.
Am I ready for this all to be over? Am I ready to really grow up? I'm not really sure. All I know is that I love where I am right now, and I am going to relish every moment.

Basically I am just thankful❤️

I literally will never ever get tired of him, or this!! He is the sweetest boy!!

We're also basically the most hilarious people together. I just need to wear a go-pro around so you can experience us, the way we get to! 

In Other News...

Ever since my life exploded, I've tried my hardest to keep a good attitude. I will admit I was not perfect. Some days I was pretty down. One phrase (in a few variations) kept my spirits high when all I wanted to do was curl up and die. That phrase was: "It will work out exactly how it is supposed to" (if it was meant to be it will still workout, life will work itself out, etc.)

This has in fact proven to be true. Tanner and I are back together. Most of the reason we broke up turned out to be this huge misunderstanding and we talked for a week about it and how if we got back together, things would have to be so much different. It was a lot of thinking and praying. I decided that getting back together was the right thing. Even though to most, it looks like I'm this huge idiot who is completely naive.

Let me be blunt here: this is my life. I'm not an idiot. I have gone through the pros and the cons multiple times. I feel that the good out weighs the bad two fold. I have prayed and it just feels right. Things are already so much better than they were before. I had nothing to lose and I am looking out for myself and my happiness. This is what I want and I will try my hardest to keep it this good. I'm grateful for those who have been so supportive of us and I am brushing off the comments of those who haven't been, This is my life and my happiness and I am completely in control.

So if you see in together, stop looking so shocked and pick your jaw up off the floor! I'm happy and I am excited to see how this all play out! It's like an adventure that took a fork in the road to something completely new and I can not wait!

Things did work out exactly how they were supposed to, I believe firmly that this all happened for a reason and I am putting my trust in the Lord and his plan for me!

Under Pressure

You know, I live in Orem, Utah. I know that there is alcohol and drugs and sex but none of those have ever been offered to me nor have I ever felt pressure or been tempted in any way to do anything of that sort. 

But Saturday night was different. I feel almost ashamed. There was a pressure. But not like anything I would have guessed before. I wasn't ever tempted at all but I could still feel that underlying pressure. 

Was it really necessary? To make half of us uncomfortable? And the other half feel pressured to fit in? 

It makes me sad to think of a few people who were there, who I know felt so uncomfortable and we're really not okay with what was going on but felt the pressure to fit in so they did what they probably wouldn't have otherwise. 

I'm so thankful that I am confident with myself and with my values that I can choose not to participate and leave the room and do my own thing without feeling like a goody-good. I'm grateful that I am okay enough with myself.  I'm also thankful for my friends and their great examples. 

My Sidewalk

Life doesn't always go how you plan... which sucks so hard.
Also, I'm obsessed with relating how I feel in similes and metaphors, so that's how I am going to tell my story.

Once upon a time, I had a boyfriend (whom I thought I would eventually marry) and sort of out of the blue, he ended things. "We've been dating a long time... and I think we should see other people" were his exact words.

I like to compare life to a seemingly endless sidewalk. This event was like an earthquake in my sidewalk. All of the sudden all of my plans were gone and I was missing this huge piece of my life. The cement in my sidewalk was cracked and jagged. It blocked my way. There was no way I would be able to continue on my sidewalk with this huge upset ever looming over ( well I guess under) me.

I was upset. My perfect, beautiful, smooth flowing sidewalk was practically destroyed. Almost to the point where it was un-usable. I had the dream life before; A boyfriend, a social life, a job, etc. Now that was all shaken up. How was I supposed to go on? How do you just move on after something like that? How does someone you've been dating for a year and a half just out of no where, lose interest in you?

I realized that there was no amount of tape that would be enough to seal the cracks in the foundation of my sidewalk. The only way to completely heal from this experience would be to dig up the square of sidewalk, and pour new cement. {I realized all of this yesterday. While I was talking to my therapist/social worker lady(? I don' t know what the freak I'm supposed to call her). We discussed this event and how it related to a sidewalk.}

All of the sudden it clicked in my brain. Why was I letting one person control how I choose to feel? Why was I letting him make me feel so upset? Why was I wasting my time still thinking about everything that happened? I did everything I could, and obviously it was not enough. If it was meant to work out it would have. It is time for me to let go.

This whole thing taught me that I am not as co-dependent as I thought. I am no Bella Swan. I am strong and independent. I can rely on myself for my own happiness. Nevertheless, break-ups are hard, but it is up to me to choose how I want to proceed.

So today I'm starting to work on my cracked, jagged, very broken sidewalk. Today I am working to dig up all the broken pieces and put them behind me and hopefully in a few weeks (or months) I will be able to fill my broken little square with new cement.