Under Pressure

You know, I live in Orem, Utah. I know that there is alcohol and drugs and sex but none of those have ever been offered to me nor have I ever felt pressure or been tempted in any way to do anything of that sort. 

But Saturday night was different. I feel almost ashamed. There was a pressure. But not like anything I would have guessed before. I wasn't ever tempted at all but I could still feel that underlying pressure. 

Was it really necessary? To make half of us uncomfortable? And the other half feel pressured to fit in? 

It makes me sad to think of a few people who were there, who I know felt so uncomfortable and we're really not okay with what was going on but felt the pressure to fit in so they did what they probably wouldn't have otherwise. 

I'm so thankful that I am confident with myself and with my values that I can choose not to participate and leave the room and do my own thing without feeling like a goody-good. I'm grateful that I am okay enough with myself.  I'm also thankful for my friends and their great examples. 

My Sidewalk

Life doesn't always go how you plan... which sucks so hard.
Also, I'm obsessed with relating how I feel in similes and metaphors, so that's how I am going to tell my story.

Once upon a time, I had a boyfriend (whom I thought I would eventually marry) and sort of out of the blue, he ended things. "We've been dating a long time... and I think we should see other people" were his exact words.

I like to compare life to a seemingly endless sidewalk. This event was like an earthquake in my sidewalk. All of the sudden all of my plans were gone and I was missing this huge piece of my life. The cement in my sidewalk was cracked and jagged. It blocked my way. There was no way I would be able to continue on my sidewalk with this huge upset ever looming over ( well I guess under) me.

I was upset. My perfect, beautiful, smooth flowing sidewalk was practically destroyed. Almost to the point where it was un-usable. I had the dream life before; A boyfriend, a social life, a job, etc. Now that was all shaken up. How was I supposed to go on? How do you just move on after something like that? How does someone you've been dating for a year and a half just out of no where, lose interest in you?

I realized that there was no amount of tape that would be enough to seal the cracks in the foundation of my sidewalk. The only way to completely heal from this experience would be to dig up the square of sidewalk, and pour new cement. {I realized all of this yesterday. While I was talking to my therapist/social worker lady(? I don' t know what the freak I'm supposed to call her). We discussed this event and how it related to a sidewalk.}

All of the sudden it clicked in my brain. Why was I letting one person control how I choose to feel? Why was I letting him make me feel so upset? Why was I wasting my time still thinking about everything that happened? I did everything I could, and obviously it was not enough. If it was meant to work out it would have. It is time for me to let go.

This whole thing taught me that I am not as co-dependent as I thought. I am no Bella Swan. I am strong and independent. I can rely on myself for my own happiness. Nevertheless, break-ups are hard, but it is up to me to choose how I want to proceed.

So today I'm starting to work on my cracked, jagged, very broken sidewalk. Today I am working to dig up all the broken pieces and put them behind me and hopefully in a few weeks (or months) I will be able to fill my broken little square with new cement.